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This is where I occasionally write a piece about the healing process that I began back in 2000. You can provide anonymous feedback (which I'd find very motivating) by clicking one of the numbers under each post, rating it on a scale of 1 (awful) to 10 (awesome). You can also feed the fish by clicking on the water.

If you're looking for specific information on the Child Sexual Abuse issue, please scroll down to the bottom of this page and click one of the links of The Askios Projects. If you don't know which link you need, start with Askios 2010 which has information about all the projects.

Friday, 4 November 2011

And neither were we.

"You are not a bad person. You are a very good person who bad things have happened to."

Sirius Black says this to Harry (his godson), in the film Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I've watched the film more times than I count. Every time it  gets to this scene, I start to cry.

Some of the tears are for me. And some are for all the other survivors out there, both friends and strangers, people that I KNOW believe themselves to be bad people, because of their childhood.

Not because they were abused.

But perhaps because they did not scream or struggle enough.
Perhaps because they kept the secret.
Perhaps because they thought it was their own fault.
Perhaps because they could not bring themselves to put the blame on anyone other than themselves.
Perhaps because they got physically aroused by the abuse.
Perhaps because in spite of everything, they still loved and depended on their abuser.
Perhaps because they went on to act out the abuse done to them, on others.
Perhaps because their grades dropped at school and they lost interest in hobbies.
Perhaps because they ate and ate and got fat, or binged and vomited and got thin.
Perhaps because they, never being taught that they have a right to say "No", were easily used by others who saw the potential for further abuse.
Perhaps because they never got to learn what real love is, and so they confuse sex with intimacy.
Perhaps because they turned to alcohol or drugs to find some comfort and escape.
Perhaps because they were told that anger is a bad thing, and still believe that the suppressed rage that wells up every now and then proves how awful they are.
Perhaps because they still feel dirty.
Perhaps because they still feel dirty.
And yes, I meant to say that twice.

Perhaps because there is no magic godfather to tell them this truth, that none of their reasons are valid, and that they are simply good people who bad things happened to.

Perhaps because they haven't learned the truth yet, they haven't yet learned to cry all the tears of grief, anger and betrayal that are stored up inside. But I've been learning the last ten years and though I don't yet have all the answers, I have this truth now, together with new understanding, new strengths and new hope. I have tears to spare, and share, until you find your own.


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